Janet Kintner

Modern motherhood is still stuck in many of the mores of the past. More men are
helping, but still most mothers bear the burden of taking care of children. My mother stayed
home with me and my four siblings in the 1940's and 50's. She handled all childcare alone.

I was working as a judge when my two boys were born in 1976 and 1978, almost fifty
years ago. There was no maternity leave or parental leave. The only time I got off was my three-
week annual vacation. Fortunately, I was in my early thirties, so I could physically handle that.
My third child was born in 1985 when I was forty-one, and I was unable to work until her birth. I
had to take a few days off before her birth and I got a month off afterwards but there was still no
official parental leave. I needed that time off to recover as well as bond with my baby. Still that
short time off was not ideal for a new mother. I would have loved more time to be with my new
babies, all of whom I breast fed. It was agonizing to have to return to work and leave an infant at
home. My husband left all childcare to me; I would have loved more help. The one thing he did
was to watch our kids while I met with a monthly women's bridge group.

The big change since that time is maternity leave and parental leave. Some states like
California have that and there is a federal unpaid parental leave law since 1993 to protect your
job while you take up to twelve weeks off for a new baby if you work for an employer of fifty or
more employees. That doesn't help everyone, but it is still an improvement over the past.

There are some women who have more control over their lives, like the female lawyers
who are principals in small law firms and have a lot more flexibility because they are in charge.
If you could arrange for someone to take over your work, you could arrange to take several
months off. But most women can't do that. As a judge, I couldn't.

Once we give birth, we discover that finding childcare is a huge challenge. Female
lawyers still seem to favor hiring nannies or babysitters to come into their home to take care of
their children, like I did. That can be very expensive. It has been estimated that childcare costs
$400 to $3500 a month. Many childcare workers charge about twenty dollars an hour, but it
varies greatly depending on the location. Many women don't earn that much.

Hiring a person to come into your home has advantages over taking your children to a
day care facility. You are still covered if your child gets sick and your nanny can take the child to
a doctor for you. And some children, like two of mine, are introverts and don't like being around
a lot of children all day long. But it was very difficult to find good people to watch my children.

Fifty years ago, I couldn't find any reliable agencies and I had to advertise in the local
newspaper under Help Wanted. I found checking references was key; I got several references
from each applicant and talked to them myself for a leisurely time. One person used a fake
reference; a relative pretended to be a previous employer. I have heard of screening agencies
more in recent years so hopefully that has improved.

Most, but not all, of the women I hired to take care of my children lasted about a year and
then my life came to a screeching halt while I found a new nanny. I wanted good people to take
care of my children so this was often a gut-wrenching experience trying to find them.

Daycare is one of the highest recurring expenses Americans with children face. HeadStart
and Early HeadStart are free in the US for low-income people. All others must pay for childcare.
It would be lovely if it was easier to find affordable, reliable childcare. That would be a huge
benefit for working mothers.

  It's time to fill my seven-day pill container again? I could swear I just did that yesterday. This looks to me like a conspiracy to make me feel older faster. Somebody must be emptying my pill container every two days when I'm not looking. When I'm playing Wordle or eating chocolate or drinking a margarita. Right?

The older I get, the faster time flies by. And if I'm writing a book or playing with my grandchildren from out of town, or similarly having a really good time, the hours zip by. Oh, I get tired, especially around the young ones, but before I know it, it's 10:30pm and time for bed. There must be a scientific explanation because I could swear the minutes are ticking by faster than they did years ago. As my husband says, a year now is 1/80 of my life, but when I was six, it was 1/6 of my life. It's all relative, so that time does seem to fly by quicker now even though it's not going any faster.

   It's funny because when we have to put up with something unpleasant, like a person we have to work with whom we can't stand or a politician we don't like gets elected and does things that we can't ignore, we wish the time we're stuck with them would pass faster. I feel like I can't wait til those years are gone. But, at my age, I don't have enough years left to have even one year speed by. So that's not a good solution .

   I have known men who can compartmentalize things so they can totally ignore problems that I'd think would bother them. "Oh, yes," he says. I know we're hurtling into the sun, about to burn up. But today I plan to have a beer and watch a baseball game." My husband contends he goes to the compartment on the rare occasions when he needs to look at it. It doesn't seem fair to us women who can't so easily do that. I have been incapable of that trick. Most of us women seem to be totally aware of everything--constantly juggling things, multitasking, bearing all burdens all the time. Life would be easier and happier if we could pack our problems away and stuff them in a top, almost-unreachable shelf and not think about them while we enjoy the good stuff in our lives.

I intend to try and be better able to compartmentalize so I can enjoy those precious limited hours I have left. So I have spent an adequate time on the problem and now hand me a beer and the remote control.